Attack of the Bees!

The sky was overcast this morning, and I walked to work with my fingers crossed hoping I'd been assigned an indoor section. As soon as I opened the door, Ms. E, one of our hostesses, started apologizing. "I feel so bad for you, you have the upper patio! Don't worry, we'll stay on pick-up until everyone gets here so you can have some tables inside."

Restaurant X was busier than usual for a weekday, and I had six tables total from 9:00 (when I came in) until we went into sections at 11:00. I figured that would probably be all the money I'd make for the day, but then miracle of miracles, the sun came out!

The first person to sit outside was a man who, right now, probably has a BITC (Blood Iced Tea Content) of .99 after all of the glasses of unsweetened, fresh-brewed goodness he drank. A friend joined him, and they ate and chatted for a while.

Next came the Mullet Mamas - two 50-something women with seriously butch hair from the front, and long, curly locks in the back. One of the two oddly-coiffed ladies requested hot tea with "LOTS of honey and lemon" (where was the please?). About four bees decided to exact their revenge on the honey-loving lady by swarming around their table for the duration of the meal. When they complained to me about the bees, I asked if they wanted to move inside, but nope! "Just get me a flyswatter or something, dear," said Mullet Mama #2. The Classified section of the paper worked just fine, but the ladies left rather quickly after eating.

I asked Ms. E to warn people about the bee problem before seating them outside, because with each table, the bees increased in number and obnoxiousness. I almost dropped a few plates when two bees landed on my arm at the same time while I was prebussing (Mr. Iced Tea got a good laugh, at least). Ms. E started mentioning the problem to people, but a few valiant souls braved the onslaught and ate on the patio.

The lunch rush died down, and I had just started thinking about what I would eat for lunch, when a party of three women and NINE kids walked through the door. I didn't pay any attention at first; normally we don't get big parties on the patio. Not today! Despite Ms. E's warnings about the bee problem, the women insisted on sitting outside.

I knew there would be trouble when the kids were already starting to FREAK while I was taking drink orders. A poor, petrified girl couldn't even move her lips to tell me what she wanted because she was so transfixed on a bee buzzing around her chair. "Come on, tell the waitress what you want, dear," coaxed one of the women. I recommended pink lemonade, and she nodded, still staring at the bee.

"You know, it's really not a problem for us to move you inside if the bees are going to bother you too much," I said to the women, hoping they'd listen. But no... why listen to the waitress, right? I must have no clue what I'm talking about.

"We'll just see how it goes," snapped Ms. Soy Decaf Iced Latte. I already knew how it was going to go, and bet $10 to Ms. E that they'd be asking for a table inside within 15 minutes.

The kids became increasingly terrified as I took their orders, which wasn't helped by the fact that Kid #7 spilled his entire kid cup of Sierra Mist all over the table. I dashed inside to get some paper towels, and one of my fellow servers offered to help - she's a saint! When I got back outside about 13.7 seconds later, at least three of the kids looked on the verge of a total meltdown. The bees were SWARMING over the spilled soda, and some were even swimming in it. The women were trying to calm the kids.

"This just isn't going to work, we need a table inside," said one of the women (Ms. Normal Iced Latte). I told Ms. E, and we set up a 12-top in the main dining room. Luckily, a few servers had just been cut, so this did not fuck over anyone's section, and I got to keep the party. I tried helping them carry the kids' drinks inside to the new table (of course, none of them had brought their own drinks inside), but now Normal Iced Latte was getting snappy too. "You won't remember who had which drink," she said, as if I was the slowest person on earth. I secretly hoped she'd drop the four kid drinks she was struggling to carry (she refused my offer of a tray), but my wish was not granted.

The rest of the party's meal went fine, and after doing a quality check and refilling drinks, I avoided the table until it was time to drop the check. Nothing on top of the 18% auto-gratuity, and they made me wait 20 minutes for them to figure out how to split the check three ways. I offered to do it for them, but no, "We'll take care of it!" barked Normal Latte. They finally handed their cards over sheepishly after scribbling furiously on the receipt and consulting multiple cell phone calculators. Thanks, bitches!

Seriously, if your hostess or server suggests that you might not want to sit outside because of a BEE BRIGADE, you should probably listen! If you have kids in your party, you should DEFINITELY listen!

I must add that the kids themselves were very polite and well-mannered. Their moms (or nannies, or whatever, but probably moms) were the ones acting childish!

On a good note, I walked out of the restaurant with $75 after tipout, so I splurged on Starbucks. Yum!